i have a confession to make. It may cause my church to renounce m membership. Most of my friends won’t care but it needs to be said, so here goes: I’m not sure I believe in God. I believe there is a God just not one that cares about us day to day. I believe there is a that created this earth but answer prayers, not so much.
I don’t know how to feel differently about this. I’ve tried going to church, reading my bible, bible study, devotionals, music….and nothing changes how I feel.
The long and short of it, I accepted God sometime around 7/8 grade. Probably because of feeling like it was something that I had to do. I was the only member in my family at that point who hadn’t taken the walk.
During my embattled childhood I spent a lot of time praying for a way to get out, a way for God to save me. It never came. My senior year of high school, a month before graduation I was kicked out of the house. I went and stayed with my sister and refused to go back. To this day it has been said that its my fault I was kicked out if the house because I “needed” to be with my boyfriend.
I have been abused, homeless, arrested, lonely, and through more trials than anyone I have ever met in my life. This latest trial of anxiety, depression, loneliness and never ending crap going on…I am struggling to believe there is a God that loves me.
I have heard people say they have seen the power of prayer, I am convinced that nothing happens unless I do it myself. I even hung on to faith that God would take care of Maddy, and maybe he has….except for that part where her mother is happy.
I hear that’s also my fault. God won’t bless me because I’m doing something wrong or I’m being punished for doing something wrong.
I’m grateful for the little things that have happened over the last year; scholarship for Maddy, friends who care for me when my parents don’t, a job, a home, even a car….even though it eats at my soul with anxiety.
I just want to feel differently and at the end of the day….happy…