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What Family?

This comes up often in my head. I have parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and grandparents but yet don’t talk to any of them. Those titles make them relatives, not family. 

I’ve longed for a family since I was 16. You know husband, 2.5 (3) kids, house, and a bunch of animals. I’m 35 and have 1 kid, she turns 6 tomorrow. No husband, house or a bunch of animals.

I’ve tried to be apart of other families and fall short. I think I like them more than they like me. 

I often wonder how things would be if I had a supportive family. Parents that care, brothers that look out for me, a sister to talk to. Maybe I’d feel different about not having a husband if I just had someone. 

I feel like a failure. I don’t have a husband and people, even my own family, hate me.

I just need, I just want…something more…

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Tired of Doing It Alone 

Maddy turns 6 next week. I’ve been in my own since she was 9 months old.

My mom watched her, while I worked, for 9 months, the rest she’s been in daycare. 

Today, it hasn’t been good mothering-wise. I already got an email yesterday telling me that my adoring child told the principal that I called a 6 year old a dumbass. Yay…

Then today, thinking she’d chill, watch a movie and play mostly alone and quietly, I go to a woman’s meeting at church. I already had a bad feeling about it all day. Nagging voice saying they don’t like me anyway. The meeting starts at 6, at 5:55 after calling grandma, she buys an app on my phone. Then she’s making noise, running around, bouncing balls…etc,etc, ect. So I said we were going home. 

Get home and find an email from the teacher telling me she’s been bad…all day..

I had it, I broke down and cried. I’m so fucking tired of doing it alone. No husband, no friends, and no family. 

I’d blame God, but the longer all this goes on the more I doubt he’s there. Feel fortunate if you have friends and family who support you. You could always be me and have no one. I take that back, I have one friend…but even she can only do so much…

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I Hurt For Her

I hurt for my daughter. I hurt for myself. I hurt for both of us, but mostly for her. 

It hurts me that she isn’t liked, I’m pretty sure it’s my fault as no one likes me either. I hurt when I watch her cry because the other girls don’t want to play with her. I hurt when comments are made that they’re only being nice to her because their mom is making them. 

I hurt because we’re not like them. We never will be. 

I have so much I want to say but can’t put into words…

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All I Want For Christmas 

I half jokingly told Maddy I wanted a husband for Christmas. I also told her I want a house and a car but the husband is the one she keeps bringing up. I don’t actually expect a husband for this Christmas or any other Christmas. I would truly love to spend it with family. That’s probably why I cling to the idea of a mate/husband so much. My family hasn’t gathered for the holidays in maybeeeee 10 years. So although I make memories with Maddy, I also have to share her. Next year I’ll be alone for Christmas. 

That being said, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had in years. I have never felt more loved than I do this year. 

Thank you all for making it special for me. 

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When You Lose Friends 

I’ve always been terrible at keeping friends. I was a complete nerd in school (apparently this is cool now). People who were my friends either were my friends all through school or they got new friends as we got older. 

After 2 or 3 “best friends” stopped being my friend I stopped claiming I had any. I’m 34 and still haven’t found the best of friend. I say that loosely because I have a very dear friend that is older but I can talk to her freely about anything and she doesn’t make me feel bad. I call her my other mother. 

The reason I’m writing this post though is because I have a friend that is getting married. She had asked me to be in the wedding. I was all on board….until she sent us the required dress. 

It’s a beautiful dress, it will be beautiful on her bridesmaids. It, however, wasn’t a dress I would be comfortable in. It had a low back and it was strapless. I’m not a size 2…I’m not even a size 12..and my back is not a feature anyone should be subjected to. 

I explained my predicament to said friend, I wanted to try the dress on to ease my issues. I didn’t just want to be measured and give someone a chunk of change. The problem: the nearest dress shop that had the dress was an hour away…oh and no guarantee they had it in store. AND I have anxiety about long drives…especially ones that require freeways…

She essentially said don’t worry about it, they’ll order one less dress. So I figured I was out of the wedding…but still invited. 

Fast forward…she sent save the dates, I didn’t receive one. I never heard anything about Maddys dress (she’s suppose to be the flower girl). So not only was I out of the bridal party…I’m out of the wedding. 

Yay for me and friends….

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Contentment In The Midst Of Chaos 

I had a friend share a podcast on Facebook today. She said it was laid on her heart that I should listen to it. I did. I liked the message, it was good..but I think she misunderstood…well me…

March 21, 2014. The day my life changed forever. 

Most people would say a death or tragic event would change their lives, mine was a panic attack. That was the first time in my entire life I ever experience complete and utter fear. And I was never the same. 

It was around that time I sought out God. I went back to church, which I hadn’t been in about 15 or so years by that point. I had always prayed when I needed something. I had actually prayed the evening before my life changing panic attack. But I had never actually sought God. Now, I looked for comfort in bible verses, in sermons, in Christian music, bible studies, the church, and the people. 

I’m still learning how to talk with God, but for now I talk to him the best way I can..and the way he made me..saying whatever is on my mind. 

The problem with this stance, is I also do this with people and they don’t fully understand where I’m coming from or what I mean. 

Having anxiety has shown me that simple things are no longer simple. They’re complex. They’re over complicated. And sometimes bigger than I can handle. This is difficult for me on so many levels. I’ve never been incapable of taking on the impossible. Now even the possible has become impossible. 

I want to be content in my life. I miss what I used to be. I frustrate myself because things I should be proud of, I’m not. I want to be happy. Not all day everyday, just everyday. 

When I say I want a job offer…I’m saying I’m tired of not being appreciated and struggling. 

When I say I want a new car…I’m saying I’m tired of feeling anxious everytime I get behind the wheel….or when I think about going somewhere.

When I say I want a husband…I’m saying cleaving to my 5 year old is unhealthy and I desperately want to feel love and support that I have never have….especially in the midst of chaos. 

I’m not saying I don’t have moments of discontentment, we all do. I just don’t want my depression and anxiety to be confused with it. 

I’m depressed because I have anxiety and I have anxiety because I’m depressed. It’s a mess. 

I have God, I just pray he makes me feel better. But I may have to be content if he doesn’t. 

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““Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. “Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.””‭‭Mark‬ ‭11:22-25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

You see this verse a lot, mentioned in church, posted on Facebook. And I feel like it is taken out of context. I’ve prayed for many things, some have been answered, some have not. So then you hear the argument “it’s God’s will.” 

I’m not saying it isn’t, I just have a terrible time believing God loves me. More often then not I feel punished. I wasn’t nice so this bad thing happened, I made the wrong choice, this bad thing happened, etc.

I know we’re not suppose to focus on what we don’t have, but the hard part for me on that is feeling unloved, lonely…and most alone. Doing it alone, everyday for the last 6 years. Being alone for the better part of 30 years. 

I don’t want to come off ungrateful for the things I do have, I just want to be happy…and I know battling depression….alone, doesn’t help that.