I have spent the last year and a half in the worst mental state of my life. I went back to church seeking God and spiritual relief. It didn’t come. I still suffer from anxiety daily. I suffer from depression probably 3 out of 7 days. Usually when I get into my head and think badly of myself from all the negative things said about me in my life.

I was sitting in the tub and thought about the last time I was really happy. Genuinely happy. I realized it was when God wasn’t actively involved in my life. I went through a bout of depression in the fall of 2008. I wanted to leave Michigan and completely questioned my entire existence. I question the existence of God and determined that he created the earth and the heavens but he wasn’t all powerful and sure as heck wasn’t answering anyone’s prayers. Especially since he had never answered mine. 

I met Joe, I had Maddy, I had a good job, I was going to school and about to graduate. I had a best friend and I felt loved. 

I sought God several times in my life. I was abused, I was abandoned, I was alone. 

The bible says “when trials come.” My entire life was a trial except for when I was pregnant with Maddy. If I’m going to be miserable seeking after this all loving  God then I’m not doing something right. You would be crazy to keep chasing someone that doesn’t love you back.

My friend says the scary verse in the bible for her is “turn from me, I never knew you”

Mine is “deny me before man and I will deny you before my father.” And all of Revelation. 

But how long can someone go on feeling unloved, lonely, unwanted, abandoned…..before they get rid of the thing in their life causing it. 

I had to weigh why I felt this way. Is it about the car? The job? The house? In the big picture, no. In all the tiny ones, yes. I can’t keep beating something that doesn’t change.

People hate me, they’re tired of me. How can I expect anything from this God? 



My walking buddy canceled on me again tonight. She canceled on me last week too. Every time that happens, I blame myself. Did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong? 

I’ve been told countless times all the things that are wrong with me. I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m loud, I’m rude, and most of all, I’m a burden.  

People don’t like depressed, anxious people. They like happy, fun people. Which I am not. I want to be, but I’m not. 

I’m sure it’s my fault she doesn’t want to walk with me. I’m a burden. I wouldn’t want to walk with me either….


A Confession

i have a confession to make. It may cause my church to renounce m membership. Most of my friends won’t care but it needs to be said, so here goes: I’m not sure I believe in God. I believe there is a God just not one that cares about us day to day. I believe there is a that created this earth but answer prayers, not so much. 

I don’t know how to feel differently about this. I’ve tried going to church, reading my bible, bible study, devotionals, music….and nothing changes how I feel. 

The long and short of it, I accepted God sometime around 7/8 grade. Probably because of feeling like it was something that I had to do. I was the only member in my family at that point who hadn’t taken the walk. 

During my embattled childhood I spent a lot of time praying for a way to get out, a way for God to save me. It never came. My senior year of high school, a month before graduation I was kicked out of the house. I went and stayed with my sister and refused to go back. To this day it has been said that its my fault I was kicked out if the house because I “needed” to be with my boyfriend.

I have been abused, homeless, arrested, lonely, and through more trials than anyone I have ever met in my life. This latest trial of anxiety, depression, loneliness and never ending crap going on…I am struggling to believe there is a God that loves me. 

I have heard people say they have seen the power of prayer, I am convinced that nothing happens unless I do it myself. I even hung on to faith that God would take care of Maddy, and maybe he has….except for that part where her mother is happy.  

I hear that’s also my fault. God won’t bless me because I’m doing something wrong or I’m being punished for doing something wrong. 

I’m grateful for the little things that have happened over the last year; scholarship for Maddy, friends who care for me when my parents don’t,  a job, a home, even a car….even though it eats at my soul with anxiety. 

I just want to feel differently and at the end of the day….happy…


Religion, God, and Me

I’ve concluded I will never be a real blog writer. I spend too much time complaining about my life. Today may be another one of those post.  I became a member of my church a few weeks ago. I really like the people, they’re really nice. The problem I’m having is fully believing that God controls all things.  

Just as I was typing this another beetle was becoming a beetle from a worm. So I guess my newly replaced carpet was in vain.  My stress level is off the charts and I no longer know what to do. 

I keep praying to God about everything and I don’t think he hears me. What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me that this God doesn’t love me?

What am I doing wrong that no one loves me? I’m led to bible verse after bible verse showing me how God should be good, but I feel none of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. 


Family or lack thereof 

Maddy is with joe until Thursday. It’s been rough on me like always. I’m tired of my life being the way it is and no matter how much i try to improve it, something goes wrong or it doesn’t work out. I feel defeated and am on the verge of  getting drunk just to make it through these next 3 nights. 

My parents aren’t talking to me again. God only knows why but I’m done with it. I can’t live my life being mistreated and feeling worthless. When I should be being lifted up by them they would rather bring me down or see me fail. They once said they prayed for us kids to talk to them again, I think I wasn’t the kid they wanted to talk to. 

I joined my church and am trying to be more involved there. I’m teaching the kindergarteners for VBS. I want to be excited but right now I feel defeated and unloved. If there is a God, I’m going to need him to act soon. 



Conversation 101

If I call you, I expect a call back, same goes for text messages. I called my mom to talk to her about my niece and she didn’t call back. I’m pissed because my niece is becoming my sister and once you go down that road with me, there is no going back. She attacked me, attacked the things I have told her and flat out called me a liar. She made shit up in her head, which my sister is notorious for. I’m so angry.