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What I Want

I’m sitting here watching old music videos and by old I mean anything before 2007….seriously…

It always puts me in a mood, not a bad mood, or a sad mood but a mood where I reflect on how things were in college. It makes me think about past loves and hurts. And reflect on what I want out of a relationship.

Back in my college days I had a friend that I was in love with, completely and utterly with my whole heart. And I don’t know if he felt the same, there were times when he said he did but then he would always choose someone else. It broke me the last time he did it in the summer of 2008.

Even after dating Joe for months and getting pregnant, I never felt that Joe would be here forever.  When we broke up and he left, I was devastated. And when I hear about how he does things for Melanie and with her, it hurts me, even though I don’t want him.

Sitting here listening to these songs that I would listen to back then, it made me think about what I want in relationship and maybe what I want is why I’m single because no human being is capable of doing it.

1. I want to be loved, fully and wholly.
2. I want to be the most important person in your life
3. You MUST love my daughter
4. I want you to fight for me, if I say I’m done and break up with you, I want you to fight for this relationship
5. I want you to work hard for me and my child

I have felt for a very long time that I must want too much out of someone for them to not want to do these things. And that saddens me….

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Co-parenting at its finest…..

So Maddy just got back from spending 11 days at her dads house.  She has promptly told me that they got married…Interesting…

But the thing that got me is that he is telling her that certain words are bad words that aren’t bad words.  She told me that she can’t say crap or stupid.  My irritation by this is extremely high.  How are you going to confuse my child and tell her something is bad and then she comes home and I tell her that it isn’t bad.  I can see if she was saying the big 5, are there 5??  But she is saying crap and stupid.   Nether of which is bad words.  Crap isn’t even a mean word. It is what it is. It’s poop or an exclamation, but it isn’t a bad word.  Stupid is a bad word if used in the wrong context.   I feel like he is making twice the work for me because I have to tell her that certain words are not in fact bad.

Stupid is one of those words where I have to say, no that isn’t a bad word but you shouldn’t use to describe someone. You can say that book is stupid (*gasp* let’s hope this never happens) but that you should never call your friend stupid.  It’s exhausting how much work goes into “fixing” her when she comes back from over there.

13 more years at the most………….

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Day 9 of 11

Maddy has been gone for 9 days and I finally hit my wall.  I took a 2 hour nap at 6 pm. I’ve been watching tv since 8, I’m tired but the second I turned off the tv I started to cry.

This wasn’t my plan, this isn’t what I signed up for.

I spend so many hours alone. Hell, I can’t even get replies to facebook messages……

I had a baby to feel love and so I wouldn’t be alone and here I am on the 2nd of January (technically the 3rd) alone, feeling completely unloved.

It is in my darkest hour, my desperate plea and prayer that she come home that goes unanswered and I wonder what I’m living for.  I hate my life more than I love it. But I love my child more than I love myself…..

I’m hoping 2015 is a good year because I know I can’t take another bad one…..

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Hey, Why don’t you drive?

I’m home alone until the 4th.   I am now down to 1 cat as I gave the other 2 away.  It makes me sad to think about. How they’re laying in a cold metal cage instead of a nice warm bed.

I’ve been going stir crazy for the better part of the afternoon.  I don’t want to spend money on going to the movies, I’m hungry but don’t want anything that is available in this town.  I don’t want to drive anywhere.  I want to do nothing and yet am dying to get out of the house.

I’m off for two weeks which means no driving to Ann Arbor unless I want to.  I’m suppose to go out there on Monday and right now I don’t even want to that drive. Even thinking about the second makes me tired.

I am the primary driver every where I go. I drive myself where ever I go because I’m alone 90% of the time. Even when Maddy is home, I’m still the only adult.  My mom doesn’t drive anywhere, my niece can’t drive and if I want adult interaction most want me to go to Ann Arbor to get it.  That’s assuming that I was even invited to spend time with someone in the first place.

I’m mad at God.  I don’t understand why after 5 years I have to be alone. Still very much alone. I don’t even have a best friend.  I wish someone would find me pretty, or important, or something. No wonder my life revolves around Maddy….I have no one else to spend time with.

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Christmas

I am spending Christmas alone. Well technically. I have plans of going to church, seeing my parents, and visiting friends but Maddy is at Joe’s.

This is the part that frustrates me.  When Joe was going to be without Maddy and was single, I invited him to spend the day with us.  Once he got a girlfriend he wanted and wanted and wanted. Not necessarily more time WITH Maddy but with Maddy.  He wanted as many overnights as he could get to make his child support lower. He is working this next week just as he did during his summer vacation weeks, she is spending every day he isn’t at work either with his dad, his mom, and I’m pretty sure he’s trying to have Melanie watch her as well.  It was disclosed that should Melanie watch Maddy during this time after I asked for time with her, we will be going to court. And we will probably end up in court because he got a chip on his shoulder the second I said she better not stay with her alone.

He has never spent a single Christmas alone, and doesn’t care if I do.  This wasn’t my plan. This wasn’t even my compromise.  Part of me feels like there needs to be a discussion in the court about him keeping her and working. About him trying to leave her in the car of strangers.

I’m very upset and I miss my child. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that he shouldn’t have time with her, I do think he should….I just think this week and half long visit is excessive.  If he was paying for 60% of the child care cost, I can almost guarantee he would be singing a different tune.

I just wish things were different or he would just flat out go away. Maddy and I both deserve better. But she deserves a father in her life…..

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Does My Life Have Value?

To me, the answer is no.

I was told as I child I was ugly and no one would ever love me.  That statement is true. It is not a self fulfilling prophecy, it is fact.  I spent my 20’s in relationships that lasted no longer than a few months.  I’ve spent my 30’s raising a child alone.

For the last year I have prayed, I have begged, I have cried for something good to happen in my life. It has been heartbreak after heartbreak. My anxiety isn’t any better, I’m still depressed and more lonely than I have ever felt in my entire life.

I spent my entire life longing for someone to love me, unconditionally.  Does Maddy? Sure, because she doesn’t know any better. But she is also forced to leave me every 2 weeks.  Today my mom invited her over and said I couldn’t come. Why not? I don’t know. Which in turn leaves me to believe I did something wrong.

I am unsure if I believe there is a God anymore.  I don’t know how to believe something different but with how awful my life has been, I don’t know how there could be.  Don’t get me wrong, my life has had up’s but it’s mostly been downs…a lot of downs.

I have no friends, no one that loves me, and no hope.  I’m tired of praying and I’d rather my anxiety eat me alive then hope that something changes at this point.  All I wanted in life was to feel love (by someone over the age of 25) and for someone to tell me everything will be ok.   I have neither…..

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Support or Lack thereof

I didn’t talk to my parents for a year. I started talking to them a few months ago when I started having all of this anxiety. My mom stopped talking to me in June because I drove my car out of the church parking lot behind my niece’s dad, or at least that’s what she told her. They didn’t talk to me for a month. I’ve talk to them a little bit between then and now. I think it’s only been about 3 weeks, if not less. And now they’re not answering my phone call again.

They’re taking my niece on vacation today (They have done this every year since she was probably 3). Just to put it into perspective, she’s 17. We went on vacation with them in 2013 to Disney World. I paid for both Maddy and I with the exception of gas and 1 ticket each. My dad paid for those. My niece has not had to pay for anything on any of the trips, neither had my sister when she was around, nor her dad since she started living there. And they buy her clothes for school every year. Maddy has had a few shirts bought for her here or there but never an entire wardrobe. But that’s another can of worms that doesn’t need to be opened.

My niece went over there a little while ago and my mom told her that there was no talking about me allowed.  Which basically means I did something to piss them off, yet again. There was a conversation on Thursday about my lack of faith in God but then I haven’t talked to them since.

If this is how Christians are suppose to act then count me out. They’re behavior doesn’t help my lack of faith. I have been praying to God for help for months. For someone to help me since I have been feeling alone.  Instead of someone helping me, comforting me, someone to talk to about how I’m feeling, I have been left to be alone. I’ve been told to read my bible but seeing as I have no one to talk to about that either, I don’t know what the point in that is.

I’ve been trying to explain to my niece how I have been feeling and her response has been between suck it up and talk to someone at church. Clearly in my life I have been conditioned that my feelings don’t matter. Life isn’t hard and suck it up, so talking to someone is redundant because they’re going to tell me the same thing. When I was talking to a co-worker about all that I was feeling a few months ago, she did the same thing to me, and she is also a Christian.

Like I said in my last post, I understand why Atheist are atheist, I don’t understand why Christians are Christians, especially when other Christians behave the way they do.