I had a friend share a podcast on Facebook today. She said it was laid on her heart that I should listen to it. I did. I liked the message, it was good..but I think she misunderstood…well me…
March 21, 2014. The day my life changed forever.
Most people would say a death or tragic event would change their lives, mine was a panic attack. That was the first time in my entire life I ever experience complete and utter fear. And I was never the same.
It was around that time I sought out God. I went back to church, which I hadn’t been in about 15 or so years by that point. I had always prayed when I needed something. I had actually prayed the evening before my life changing panic attack. But I had never actually sought God. Now, I looked for comfort in bible verses, in sermons, in Christian music, bible studies, the church, and the people.
I’m still learning how to talk with God, but for now I talk to him the best way I can..and the way he made me..saying whatever is on my mind.
The problem with this stance, is I also do this with people and they don’t fully understand where I’m coming from or what I mean.
Having anxiety has shown me that simple things are no longer simple. They’re complex. They’re over complicated. And sometimes bigger than I can handle. This is difficult for me on so many levels. I’ve never been incapable of taking on the impossible. Now even the possible has become impossible.
I want to be content in my life. I miss what I used to be. I frustrate myself because things I should be proud of, I’m not. I want to be happy. Not all day everyday, just everyday.
When I say I want a job offer…I’m saying I’m tired of not being appreciated and struggling.
When I say I want a new car…I’m saying I’m tired of feeling anxious everytime I get behind the wheel….or when I think about going somewhere.
When I say I want a husband…I’m saying cleaving to my 5 year old is unhealthy and I desperately want to feel love and support that I have never have….especially in the midst of chaos.
I’m not saying I don’t have moments of discontentment, we all do. I just don’t want my depression and anxiety to be confused with it.
I’m depressed because I have anxiety and I have anxiety because I’m depressed. It’s a mess.
I have God, I just pray he makes me feel better. But I may have to be content if he doesn’t.