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A Confession

i have a confession to make. It may cause my church to renounce m membership. Most of my friends won’t care but it needs to be said, so here goes: I’m not sure I believe in God. I believe there is a God just not one that cares about us day to day. I believe there is a that created this earth but answer prayers, not so much. 

I don’t know how to feel differently about this. I’ve tried going to church, reading my bible, bible study, devotionals, music….and nothing changes how I feel. 

The long and short of it, I accepted God sometime around 7/8 grade. Probably because of feeling like it was something that I had to do. I was the only member in my family at that point who hadn’t taken the walk. 

During my embattled childhood I spent a lot of time praying for a way to get out, a way for God to save me. It never came. My senior year of high school, a month before graduation I was kicked out of the house. I went and stayed with my sister and refused to go back. To this day it has been said that its my fault I was kicked out if the house because I “needed” to be with my boyfriend.

I have been abused, homeless, arrested, lonely, and through more trials than anyone I have ever met in my life. This latest trial of anxiety, depression, loneliness and never ending crap going on…I am struggling to believe there is a God that loves me. 

I have heard people say they have seen the power of prayer, I am convinced that nothing happens unless I do it myself. I even hung on to faith that God would take care of Maddy, and maybe he has….except for that part where her mother is happy.  

I hear that’s also my fault. God won’t bless me because I’m doing something wrong or I’m being punished for doing something wrong. 

I’m grateful for the little things that have happened over the last year; scholarship for Maddy, friends who care for me when my parents don’t,  a job, a home, even a car….even though it eats at my soul with anxiety. 

I just want to feel differently and at the end of the day….happy…

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Religion, God, and Me

I’ve concluded I will never be a real blog writer. I spend too much time complaining about my life. Today may be another one of those post.  I became a member of my church a few weeks ago. I really like the people, they’re really nice. The problem I’m having is fully believing that God controls all things.  

Just as I was typing this another beetle was becoming a beetle from a worm. So I guess my newly replaced carpet was in vain.  My stress level is off the charts and I no longer know what to do. 

I keep praying to God about everything and I don’t think he hears me. What am I doing wrong? What’s wrong with me that this God doesn’t love me?

What am I doing wrong that no one loves me? I’m led to bible verse after bible verse showing me how God should be good, but I feel none of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. 

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Family or lack thereof 

Maddy is with joe until Thursday. It’s been rough on me like always. I’m tired of my life being the way it is and no matter how much i try to improve it, something goes wrong or it doesn’t work out. I feel defeated and am on the verge of  getting drunk just to make it through these next 3 nights. 

My parents aren’t talking to me again. God only knows why but I’m done with it. I can’t live my life being mistreated and feeling worthless. When I should be being lifted up by them they would rather bring me down or see me fail. They once said they prayed for us kids to talk to them again, I think I wasn’t the kid they wanted to talk to. 

I joined my church and am trying to be more involved there. I’m teaching the kindergarteners for VBS. I want to be excited but right now I feel defeated and unloved. If there is a God, I’m going to need him to act soon. 

…..

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Conversation 101

If I call you, I expect a call back, same goes for text messages. I called my mom to talk to her about my niece and she didn’t call back. I’m pissed because my niece is becoming my sister and once you go down that road with me, there is no going back. She attacked me, attacked the things I have told her and flat out called me a liar. She made shit up in her head, which my sister is notorious for. I’m so angry. 

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Lonely and Life’s plan

I’m going to make this short because I don’t like typing this way. 

I’ve been super sad lately. My life didn’t turn out how I planned at all and I just found out a former friend is pregnant and it is going exactly as she planned. Right down to the year, season, and gender. I’m not mad about that, just feeling sad about my own life. 

I’ve been super lonely to boot. I went through my blog and realize I have felt the same way for years. If there is a God, which I tend to believe, he doesn’t give a shit about me. I honestly believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. No matter what I do. 

Aside from Maddy, I’m not sure why I’m here. I sure feel worthless. 

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What I Want

I’m sitting here watching old music videos and by old I mean anything before 2007….seriously…

It always puts me in a mood, not a bad mood, or a sad mood but a mood where I reflect on how things were in college. It makes me think about past loves and hurts. And reflect on what I want out of a relationship.

Back in my college days I had a friend that I was in love with, completely and utterly with my whole heart. And I don’t know if he felt the same, there were times when he said he did but then he would always choose someone else. It broke me the last time he did it in the summer of 2008.

Even after dating Joe for months and getting pregnant, I never felt that Joe would be here forever. ¬†When we broke up and he left, I was devastated. And when I hear about how he does things for Melanie and with her, it hurts me, even though I don’t want him.

Sitting here listening to these songs that I would listen to back then, it made me think about what I want in relationship and maybe what I want is why I’m single because no human being is capable of doing it.

1. I want to be loved, fully and wholly.
2. I want to be the most important person in your life
3. You MUST love my daughter
4. I want you to fight for me, if I say I’m done and break up with you, I want you to fight for this relationship
5. I want you to work hard for me and my child

I have felt for a very long time that I must want too much out of someone for them to not want to do these things. And that saddens me….