I have spent the last year and a half in the worst mental state of my life. I went back to church seeking God and spiritual relief. It didn’t come. I still suffer from anxiety daily. I suffer from depression probably 3 out of 7 days. Usually when I get into my head and think badly of myself from all the negative things said about me in my life.
I was sitting in the tub and thought about the last time I was really happy. Genuinely happy. I realized it was when God wasn’t actively involved in my life. I went through a bout of depression in the fall of 2008. I wanted to leave Michigan and completely questioned my entire existence. I question the existence of God and determined that he created the earth and the heavens but he wasn’t all powerful and sure as heck wasn’t answering anyone’s prayers. Especially since he had never answered mine.
I met Joe, I had Maddy, I had a good job, I was going to school and about to graduate. I had a best friend and I felt loved.
I sought God several times in my life. I was abused, I was abandoned, I was alone.
The bible says “when trials come.” My entire life was a trial except for when I was pregnant with Maddy. If I’m going to be miserable seeking after this all loving God then I’m not doing something right. You would be crazy to keep chasing someone that doesn’t love you back.
My friend says the scary verse in the bible for her is “turn from me, I never knew you”
Mine is “deny me before man and I will deny you before my father.” And all of Revelation.
But how long can someone go on feeling unloved, lonely, unwanted, abandoned…..before they get rid of the thing in their life causing it.
I had to weigh why I felt this way. Is it about the car? The job? The house? In the big picture, no. In all the tiny ones, yes. I can’t keep beating something that doesn’t change.
People hate me, they’re tired of me. How can I expect anything from this God?