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Conversation 101

If I call you, I expect a call back, same goes for text messages. I called my mom to talk to her about my niece and she didn’t call back. I’m pissed because my niece is becoming my sister and once you go down that road with me, there is no going back. She attacked me, attacked the things I have told her and flat out called me a liar. She made shit up in her head, which my sister is notorious for. I’m so angry. 

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Lonely and Life’s plan

I’m going to make this short because I don’t like typing this way. 

I’ve been super sad lately. My life didn’t turn out how I planned at all and I just found out a former friend is pregnant and it is going exactly as she planned. Right down to the year, season, and gender. I’m not mad about that, just feeling sad about my own life. 

I’ve been super lonely to boot. I went through my blog and realize I have felt the same way for years. If there is a God, which I tend to believe, he doesn’t give a shit about me. I honestly believe that I don’t deserve to be happy. No matter what I do. 

Aside from Maddy, I’m not sure why I’m here. I sure feel worthless. 

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What I Want

I’m sitting here watching old music videos and by old I mean anything before 2007….seriously…

It always puts me in a mood, not a bad mood, or a sad mood but a mood where I reflect on how things were in college. It makes me think about past loves and hurts. And reflect on what I want out of a relationship.

Back in my college days I had a friend that I was in love with, completely and utterly with my whole heart. And I don’t know if he felt the same, there were times when he said he did but then he would always choose someone else. It broke me the last time he did it in the summer of 2008.

Even after dating Joe for months and getting pregnant, I never felt that Joe would be here forever.  When we broke up and he left, I was devastated. And when I hear about how he does things for Melanie and with her, it hurts me, even though I don’t want him.

Sitting here listening to these songs that I would listen to back then, it made me think about what I want in relationship and maybe what I want is why I’m single because no human being is capable of doing it.

1. I want to be loved, fully and wholly.
2. I want to be the most important person in your life
3. You MUST love my daughter
4. I want you to fight for me, if I say I’m done and break up with you, I want you to fight for this relationship
5. I want you to work hard for me and my child

I have felt for a very long time that I must want too much out of someone for them to not want to do these things. And that saddens me….

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Co-parenting at its finest…..

So Maddy just got back from spending 11 days at her dads house.  She has promptly told me that they got married…Interesting…

But the thing that got me is that he is telling her that certain words are bad words that aren’t bad words.  She told me that she can’t say crap or stupid.  My irritation by this is extremely high.  How are you going to confuse my child and tell her something is bad and then she comes home and I tell her that it isn’t bad.  I can see if she was saying the big 5, are there 5??  But she is saying crap and stupid.   Nether of which is bad words.  Crap isn’t even a mean word. It is what it is. It’s poop or an exclamation, but it isn’t a bad word.  Stupid is a bad word if used in the wrong context.   I feel like he is making twice the work for me because I have to tell her that certain words are not in fact bad.

Stupid is one of those words where I have to say, no that isn’t a bad word but you shouldn’t use to describe someone. You can say that book is stupid (*gasp* let’s hope this never happens) but that you should never call your friend stupid.  It’s exhausting how much work goes into “fixing” her when she comes back from over there.

13 more years at the most………….

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Day 9 of 11

Maddy has been gone for 9 days and I finally hit my wall.  I took a 2 hour nap at 6 pm. I’ve been watching tv since 8, I’m tired but the second I turned off the tv I started to cry.

This wasn’t my plan, this isn’t what I signed up for.

I spend so many hours alone. Hell, I can’t even get replies to facebook messages……

I had a baby to feel love and so I wouldn’t be alone and here I am on the 2nd of January (technically the 3rd) alone, feeling completely unloved.

It is in my darkest hour, my desperate plea and prayer that she come home that goes unanswered and I wonder what I’m living for.  I hate my life more than I love it. But I love my child more than I love myself…..

I’m hoping 2015 is a good year because I know I can’t take another bad one…..

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Hey, Why don’t you drive?

I’m home alone until the 4th.   I am now down to 1 cat as I gave the other 2 away.  It makes me sad to think about. How they’re laying in a cold metal cage instead of a nice warm bed.

I’ve been going stir crazy for the better part of the afternoon.  I don’t want to spend money on going to the movies, I’m hungry but don’t want anything that is available in this town.  I don’t want to drive anywhere.  I want to do nothing and yet am dying to get out of the house.

I’m off for two weeks which means no driving to Ann Arbor unless I want to.  I’m suppose to go out there on Monday and right now I don’t even want to that drive. Even thinking about the second makes me tired.

I am the primary driver every where I go. I drive myself where ever I go because I’m alone 90% of the time. Even when Maddy is home, I’m still the only adult.  My mom doesn’t drive anywhere, my niece can’t drive and if I want adult interaction most want me to go to Ann Arbor to get it.  That’s assuming that I was even invited to spend time with someone in the first place.

I’m mad at God.  I don’t understand why after 5 years I have to be alone. Still very much alone. I don’t even have a best friend.  I wish someone would find me pretty, or important, or something. No wonder my life revolves around Maddy….I have no one else to spend time with.